I am What I am

Emotional sickness: that feeling in the pit of my stomach that doesn’t go away no matter how hard I try. I walk down the stairs, feeling weak with each step I take. I open the kitchen cupboard and grab the bottle of Advil. As the water is running I realize that these two white capsules don’t contain anything that will help. How do I get myself out of this itchy skin and into something livable? I am exhausted. In the full sense of the word; I am exhausted. At night I close my eyes and no more then one second later I open my eyes to the morning. Getting ready to start the day is just as difficult as getting ready to lie in bed at night with nothing but thoughts about you. I am drained. Why can’t my blood run cold? I don’t want to feel this. One minute I am surprisingly happy, thinking to myself that I can actually do this. But then a thought or image will dreadfully appear and kick me right back down. I am stupid. It’s as if I’ve been walking around for an endless amount of time with a balloon in my hand. I am walking under the bluest of skies and the warmest of sunshine’s. Every time I look up, the balloon is gracefully dancing in the wind and provokes a smile in my soul. But now my steps are harder to take, the once weightless balloon now weighs a ton. I look up. I look down. My strength is decreasing with each cloud that appears in the once blue sky. I am curious. With my head looking straight ahead, I unclench the hand that was tightly wrapped around happiness. I am letting go. A moment passes and when I look up I see it in the distance. There it goes, up and away, getting smaller and smaller. The wind is blowing us in different directions. I look up again after a little while but the balloon is gone. I am regretful. I don’t want to walk any further. But if I go back, where will that leave me? I’m not looking for a hero. If I need saving, I’ll save myself. Dependence is like a handicap. I do not want to use you or this idea of us as a crutch any longer. But if I try to stand up on my own two feet and fall right back down, what then? I am capable. That is what I am told day in and day out. I am trying. I am failing. I am confused. I am wreckless. I am sick. I am human.